Birth plans don't always work out

Brynn is 6 weeks now and I'm still having a bit of a hard time reconciling what I wanted to happen compared to what did happen for her birth. I wanted a natural delivery. I wanted Casey to be there through labor and delivery. He did make it time for delivery and I am eternally grateful for that. It's a three and a half hour drive from Garden to the hospital I delivered at. He made it in 2 and a half. I'm so thankful that he didn't have an accident or see any cops on the way!

I made it to 9 cm (out of 10cm) before getting the epidural. At a 9 I was in transition. Everyone I've ever talked to or heard from says that this is the point where you think you can't do it anymore. It's the most painful and the hardest part. And it's almost the end. It really was pretty bearable. But I was hurting and afraid that it would go too fast and Casey wouldn't have time to make it. I was also afraid that if he didn't make it, that I couldn't do it on my own.I figured the epidural would slow things down just enough for him to make it. He walked through the door and after my mom snapped a few pictures, my OB said "lets get this baby out". Obviously Casey barely made it.

I'm glad that Brynn is healthy. She scored a 9/9 on her apgar, even though her heart rate had been decelerating during pushing, I had to have an oxygen mask and she was vacuumed out. There was no bruising from the vacuum and thankfully I didn't have any damage from it either. She did have the cord around her neck too but it was loose.
But still. It's a little like grieving over the loss of experience. It took a few weeks even for me to really feel like I'd had her. Labor was so quick, 6 hours total and only about 2 in the hospital, and not being able to feel anything during the delivery made it hard for my mind to wrap itself around what happened.

I'm so thankful for my nurse. She was the one telling me what pushes were working. I don't know that I could have done it without her. I had no idea what I was doing. Dang it. I am however really happy that they didn't do that annoying counting this time. They let me push when I wanted and as long as I wanted to. So that was nice. I just wish I could have felt what I was doing though!

I did have a tear, it didn't need stitches though but since it was by the urethra it was a little painful for awhile. I think that's pretty good since she was facing my stomach instead of my back which is the "normal" way and she was vacuumed out. The pediatrician said that a baby delivered "sunny side up" as it's sometimes called, is like delivering a baby that's a full pound heavier. So, although she was 7lbs 12 ounces, it was like she was 8lbs 12 ounces.
I am happy I had the epidural for right after Brynn was born. The placenta came out in pieces so they decided to manually remove it. It was incredibly painful later for them to push on my stomach. It was much more painful than labor. I can only imagine how awful it would have been without the epidural.

I'm glad that I stayed at home, well at Target for part of it, until the contractions were about every 3 minuets. I am proud of myself for making it to 9cm before I got the epidural. I'm happy that I felt in control throughout labor. That I didn't get anything that I didn't want, I didn't allow anything I didn't want to happen. I didn't get my water broken until delivery and it was necessary, I didn't get the pitocin until after delivery, (it helps the uterus contract, it's a good thing after labor) I didn't get the epidural without a lot of thought on my part. It wasn't a completely irrational pain filled choice. It was primarily a logical one but also with a little fear and a lack of believing in myself. I think that's maybe a little bit why I'm having a tough time. I decided to get it even though it was so close to almost done. Of course at the time that was hard to remember.

I just wish I had of made sure that my Mom would have known everything she needed to know to help me make it through the last little bit. I didn't even think about it. It didn't occur to me that Casey wouldn't make it and someone else would be filling the labor coach position. I know it was hard for her. She knew I wanted a natural delivery but since she'd had to have csections, she didn't have any personal experience to draw on. So she was unable to help as well as I know she would have liked. But she did the best she could, darn my lack of planning.
It might have been helpful for someone to say, I know you're worried Casey won't make it but he's close. He will make it. You can do this. You're at the end, this is the hardest part. But it's the best part too because it means the baby is really close to being born!

So next time, (if there is a next time. That will have to be decided at a much later date) I'll plan better. But the great thing is that Brynn's labor proved to me that I can do it. With Addison I had gotten the epidural at 5cm and labor with her was 15 hours. I got the epidural with her because after my water was broken contractions were much more painful quickly and the leaking feeling grossed me out. Afterwards I thought that I could have gone longer before the epidural and maybe gone without it. Now I know that I can do it. I'll just have to plan better. That is, IF we have another baby and I have no idea if that's something that's going to happen.